The 19 Most Useless Cars Ever: A Hilarious Ranking

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The world of automobiles is an endless playground of innovation, creativity, and sometimes, utter nonsense. Throughout history, manufacturers have put forth some truly bizarre vehicles that leave us scratching our heads, wondering what they were thinking. Let’s dive into the top 19 most useless cars ever produced, highlighted by their absurd designs and questionable engineering choices.

1. **Horsey Horseless (1899)**: If you ever wanted your car to look like a horse-drawn carriage minus the horse, the Horsey Horseless was the car for you! Invented by Uriah Smith, this bizarre contraption featured a wooden horse head attached to a chuffing buggy. The intention? To ease the fears of horses that might be spooked by an automobile. It’s unclear if it was ever built, but it certainly takes the cake for being utterly useless!

2. **Ford Model T (1909)**: Ah, the Model T, a car that supposedly revolutionized the automotive industry. But let’s face it: with its crude instruments and blacksmithed body panels, it’s like the Yugo of its day. Despite its impact on mobility, its existence reminds us that sometimes innovation can lead to some pretty terrible designs.

3. **Scripps-Booth Bi-Autogo (1913)**: This was basically a motorcycle with training wheels — if the training wheels were ridiculously oversized. Weighing 3,200 pounds, the Bi-Autogo required the driver to lower small outriggers to keep it upright, raising serious questions about its usability. It was also the first V8-powered vehicle built in Detroit, but we’d call this one a misfire.

4. **Briggs and Stratton Flyer (1920)**: Looking for a car without any frills? The Flyer was a motorized park bench on wheels! With no suspension or bodywork, this five-wheeled wonder featured a 2-hp engine and the kind of performance that would make a turtle look fast. Truly a testament to how low one can go with car design.

5. **Fuller Dymaxion (1933)**: R. Buckminster Fuller’s vision for a flying car never took off, literally. The Dymaxion was a three-wheeled monstrosity that suffered from severe instability thanks to its awkward design. If you thought cars like this could pave the way for the future, think again!

6. **Chrysler/Desoto Airflow (1934)**: If the Airflow had come out 20 years later, it might have been celebrated for its advanced engineering. Sadly, it came too soon and was met with confusion and disdain. Despite its futuristic design, it suffered from mechanical issues that made it a flop in the market.

7. **Crosley Hotshot (1949)**: The Hotshot was touted as the first sports car of postwar America, but its performance was laughable at best. With a flimsy engine made from stamped tin, this little car was slow and downright dangerous. It’s no wonder that Crosley ceased production shortly after.

8. **Renault Dauphine (1956)**: This car was infamous for its glacial acceleration and paper-thin construction. Drivers would joke that they could measure its 0 to 60 time with a calendar as it took a staggering 32 seconds to hit the magical speed. The fact that it sold over 2 million units says more about the desperation of car buyers than anything else.

9. **King Midget Model III (1957)**: This car was born out of a desire to create a cheap and accessible vehicle, but what they delivered was a barely functional scrap of metal. It was little more than a glorified go-kart and barely qualified as a car, representing everything wrong with the budget motoring movement of the era.

10. **Waterman Aerobile (1957)**: If you ever wanted to drive an airplane and thought it would be a good idea to combine the two, the Waterman Aerobile is your crowning achievement. This flying car was designed with features that ensured your chance of success was about as likely as finding a unicorn. With wings that folded against the side and a design that made you question your sanity, it seems that the only thing it actually achieved was a spot in the Smithsonian. Talk about a dream that never took off!

11. **Ford Edsel (1958)**: Ah, the Edsel. Ford’s ambitious but disastrous attempt to create the ‘car of the future’ turned out to be more of a marketing flop than anything else. Despite not being the worst car mechanically, it became the poster child for failure due to overhyped expectations and a design that some said resembled a body part too intimate for family gatherings. All the Edsel needed was a catchy slogan: “Get ready for the disappointment of your life!”

12. **Lotus Elite (1958)**: This car had dreams of race-day glory but was built like a soap bubble. With a lightweight fiberglass body, the Elite was a great idea that ultimately flopped once the suspension mounts punched through the body. It was a shame because the design was exquisite; however, it’s hard to win races when your car is literally falling apart beneath you. Who knew that Lotus’s idea of lightness would come back to haunt them?

13. **MGA Twin Cam (1958)**: If you were looking for a British sports car that could double as a mechanical nightmare, look no further than the MGA Twin Cam. It was like a romantic relationship that promised thrills but delivered heartbreak. Engine troubles plagued this car, and if you ever wanted your car to spill oil while making your date uncomfortable, this was the one to choose. You might say that the MGA Twin Cam taught us that sometimes, love just isn’t enough – especially in the automotive world.

14. **Zundapp Janus (1958)**: A car that’s half motorcycle and half bad idea, the Janus was definitely unique. Designed to have passengers facing opposite directions, it was like a cruel joke on the people trapped inside. It had a top speed that made snails look fast, and the rear-facing seat meant that your passengers got to enjoy the horrifying sight of traffic getting dangerously close. In short, this was a vehicle that screamed, “I want to be different, at any cost!”

15. **Amphicar (1961)**: If you’ve ever dreamed of a car that could also serve as a boat – but not very well – the Amphicar is your holy grail. While its land capabilities were somewhat passable, its aquatic skills left much to be desired. You could cruise the streets with pride, but as soon as you hit the water, you’d be praying that the bilge pump was up to the task of keeping your amphibious disaster afloat. Talk about a splashdown!

16. **Corvair (1961)**: The Corvair had the charm of a rear-engine layout, but let’s be real: it was a disaster waiting to happen. Ralph Nader made sure everyone knew it, as the car spun out like a contestant on a bad dance show. Add in some oil leaks and a heating system that pumped fumes into the cabin, and you had a recipe for disaster. It was less of a car and more of a rollercoaster ride you didn’t sign up for.

17. **Peel Trident (1966)**: This tiny vehicle looked like it was designed for a science project rather than the open road. With a design so impractical it made a go-kart seem like a luxury sedan, the Trident is perfect for anyone who wants to feel like a giant while driving a toy. Its three wheels and dubious aerodynamics might have made it a hit in a circus, but on the road? Not so much. Good luck trying to keep your dignity while driving this one!

18. **AMC Gremlin (1970)**: If there ever was a car that looked like it had been assembled from leftover parts, the Gremlin is it! A failed attempt to create a subcompact, this vehicle was so unattractive that you had to wonder what kind of meeting led to its creation. Fast enough to make you hear the laughter before they sped away, it was a car that never quite figured out what it wanted to be. Maybe a mutant salamander was its true calling?

19. **Triumph Stag (1970)**: The Triumph Stag was like a beautiful date who turned out to have a terrible personality. On the surface, it had style, but once you got under the hood, you realized it was more about show than go. With engineering flaws that made it prone to breakdowns, the Stag became a beloved nightmare for its owners. It was another case of a great concept going tragically wrong, leaving many to wonder how such a stylish car could cause so much heartache!

“Old car” by CGoulao is licensed under CC BY 2.0

As we come to the end of this countdown of the most useless cars to ever grace our roads, it’s clear that automotive history is filled with hilarious flops. From cars that were laughably impractical to those whose designs seemed to defy all logic, we’ve seen that even the most ambitious ideas can land flat on their faces. These vehicles remind us to celebrate the absurdity of innovation and the humor in automotive design gone wrong. So, the next time you see a quirky vehicle, remember that it could very well be part of a long lineage of hilariously useless cars that still manage to entertain us today!